Nousetrap Laced With Butt Paste

The headlines say it all. “Nose-steered mouse couuld save aching arms”!

Apparently, some moron in Canada came up with the idea of a “nouse.” That’s a mouse cursor guided around the screen by the shiny, white tip of your cute little nose. Yes, you, you ugly bastard. Now you can say that your nose, no matter how ugly, actually does more than just provide a trumpet during the flu and allergy seasons.

I don’t know where to begin on how dumb this idea is, so let me just give you a little scenario to illustrate the hellacious stupidity here.

Act 1
It’s the first day on the job, and Mr. Newbie walks into the office. He peers into his coworkers’ cubicles on his way in.
MR. NEWBIE: Hi, what’s your name?
COWORKER: My name is Fred.
MR. NEWBIE: Hi Fred. Gee, why do you keep twitching your head like that?
COWORKER: Oh, someone set up us the bomb. You gotta try it. These new nice kick ass.
MR. NEWBIE: Wow. Hey, by the way–
COWORKER is blinking feverishly and twitching his head about like a cat in a roomful of laser pointers.
MR. NEWBIE: Uh…Fred, is there something in your eye?
COWORKER: Ah, nevermind me. Just trying to clear some spam out of my inbox…

Act 2
A few weeks later, Mr. Newbie is running a couple of minutes late. He walks into the office, trying to avoid smacking into the walls. His motor coordination has been destroyed by too much incessant twitching and blinking. He now closely resembles a drug addict who has fried one brain cell too many.
MR. NEWBIE: Morning everyone! Looks around. Hey, where is everyone? What’s that shadow on the floor in the corner?
Mr. Newbie walks over to the corner and spots the shattered bodies of his former coworkers. He collapses to his knees in despair.
MR. NEWBIE: Oh no! The evil nice have ruined us! All their nasty twitching and blinking and shaking about have set up a resonance in my former friends’ bodies and shaken them to bits! Woe is me! Sobs.
Mr. Newbie looks around. He spies his dead CEO’s golf clubs in the corner. He picks one up, and a holy light surrounds him.
MR. NEWBIE: Fear the holy avenger of the dead workers everywhere. I will exact dear payment for your transgressions, oh evil nice!
Curtain drops on MR. NEWBIE smashing the fuck out of all the nice in the office.

I hope this has taught you a lesson on how foolish it would be to even think about using a nouse. You have been warned.

Before I wrap this up, take a look at this Yahoo! News photo I spotted yesterday. Ow! Bet he’s gonna need some butt paste on that. [For all you Cajuns out there, there’s an extra bit of irony in this. I know you like Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes.

You should thank me.]

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