Ann Coulter’s “Purpose-Driven Left” Dissected

I have to say that I’m not exactly sure what a “liberal” is. Maybe I’m one, but somehow I’d rather characterize myself as an apathetic SOB who is too independent to fit neatly into a box…or is that what a liberal is?

In any case, Ann Coulter apparently thinks that these “liberals” are what’s wrong with the nation, by gum! In a few poorly-written paragraphs, she manages to blame liberals for poor American cuisine, secularism, and violence.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t lift a finger, but the sheer amount of idiotic statements in this thinly-veiled diatribe compel me to do a rare line-by-line. Emphasis and things in brackets all mine.

It’s been a tough year for the secularist crowd. There was Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ,”[1] the moral values election,[2] the Christian hostage subduing her kidnapper by reading from “The Purpose Driven Life,” and the Christian effort to save Terri Schiavo.[3] Not only that, but earlier this year Dr. James Dobson insulted the Democrats’ mascot, SpongeBob SquarePants, with impunity.[4]

1. Bloody Jesus on a Stick. What more can I say? That movie was just religious masochism getting off on itself. Unpleasant!
2. Say what you mean, Ann. Can’t have those gays marrying each other. No sirree-bob.
3. You mean trampling all over the Constitution and overriding states’ rights so that Christians can pat each other on the back and feel self-righteous while they gulp cheeseburgers and buy a two-car garage house while people are homeless across town.
4. Let go of the SpongeBob thing already. NOT GAY!

And now, for all the hullabaloo in the media, you’d think the Pope had died.[5]

5. He did. Very NOT funny.

The liberal[6] take on Catholicism is that it’s a controversial religion because of its positions on abortion, sodomy and various other crucial planks of the Democratic platform[7] (curiously, positions that are shared by all three of the world’s major religions)[8].

6. What the hell is a liberal? I fucking hate people stereotyping. Am I a liberal? Maybe.:-P
7. You mean JP2’s positions. Not all papal candidates want Africans to die of AIDS.
8. See above. I think you mean fundamentalists in the three major religions. Yeah, there are a lot of those. They’re kinda like social Luddites.

In defense of the Catholic Church’s most “controversial” position (meaning “contrary to the clearly stated opinion of CNN”), I wanted to return to a story from a few weeks ago that passed from the headlines far too quickly. The “controversial” Catholic position is the ban on girl priests.[9]

9. Weird, I’ve never really heard about that in the news. Like I said, everyone seems to be more concerned with the fact that JP2 was willing to let African Catholics die of AIDS rather than use condoms. There are a lot of Catholics with a much greater amount of social intelligence and genuine concern for peoples’ wellbeing than JP2. Lovely, isn’t it? I guess I’m anti-Catholic now?

I’ll leave it to the Catholics to explain the theological details, but we have a beautiful pair of bookmarks to the exact same incident illustrating women’s special skills and deficits. The escape and capture of Brian Nichols shows women playing roles they should not (escorting dangerous criminals) and women playing roles they do best (making men better people).[10]

10. Whoa! HUGE “What The FUCK!?” here. If I’m reading this correctly, a woman’s best role is making men better people, and women should never escort dangerous criminals!? It’s not just female officers who get overpowered and killed or disabled by detainees. The problem, dear Ms. Coulter, is procedures which put insufficient numbers of officers in charge of escorting dangerous criminals. Of course, Atlanta fixed that little problem at Nichol’s next hearing – but I suppose you think that’s overkill. Brian should have been escorted by a single male officer instead – yeah, that’ll teach him!

As far as women’s best role being to make better people of men, I imagine my girlfriend would tell you that it’s not her responsibility to make me a better person. In fact, if anybody tried to “make me a better person,” I would pretty promptly excise them from my life.

Nichols’ murderous rampage began when he took the gun from a 5-foot-tall grandmother who was his sole guard at the Fulton County Courthouse. It ended when an otherwise unremarkable 26-year-old woman appealed to the Christian conscience of this same violent killer holding her hostage.

At 2 a.m. one Saturday night, Ashley Smith went out for cigarettes while unpacking her new apartment, yet another victory for tobacco pleasure. Returning from the store, Smith was grabbed by a man at her front door, who put a gun in her side and told her not to scream. He asked if she knew who he was. When he removed his baseball cap, she saw it was Nichols, the dangerous fugitive all over TV who had escaped custody during his rape trial and had killed four people in the previous 48 hours. (Although he also looked a lot like of one the guys on “American Idol.”)[11]

11. Wow, that’s fucking random, Ann. AHAHAHAH. Okay, now I can continue reading this tear-jerking story since you have relieved the unbearable suspense with your wit!

In Smith’s apartment, Nichols bound Smith’s feet and hands and put her in the bathtub. Later, at Smith’s request, Nichols allowed her to hop from the bathroom into the bedroom, where she began talking to him.

In short order, Smith was reading aloud to Nichols from the Christian book “The Purpose Driven Life” — in direct violation of his constitutional right to never hear any reference to God, in public or private, for any purpose, ever, ever, ever! For more on this right, go to the “People for the American Way” Web site.[12]

12. I did visit the site. I assume that they are supporting the separation of church and state, which is an American tradition. I furthermore assume that you want to see GWB speaking in tongues before his State of the Nation address, otherwise I don’t know why you brought this up, since nobody is trying to outlaw Christianity or freedom of religion as your hyperbole suggests.

After reading the first paragraph of Chapter 33 aloud, about serving God by serving others, Nichols — the man pundits were calling an “animal” — asked her to read it again.[13]

Nichols listened to the passage again and responded by telling Smith he was already dead, saying, “Look at my eyes.” But Smith looked and told him God had a purpose for him, perhaps to minister to other lost souls in prison. Smith read to Nichols some more, both from the “Purpose” book and from another popular book that’s been dropped from all news accounts of this incident: the New Testament. (In the Hollywood version, Smith will be reading from the Quran.)[14]

13. Awww, you respect his humanity! How cute:-)
14. Is it still cool to bash Islam? I thought that was so 2001.

Smith knew all about Nichols’ violent depredations from TV. Yet she saw him not as a monster, but as one of God’s creatures. Most Christians — most people — have trouble seeing the humanity of people who take our parking spots. Smith could see God’s hand in a multiple murderer holding her hostage. By showing him genuine Christian love, Smith turned Nichols from a beast to a brother in Christ. This phenomenon, utterly unknown to liberals, is what’s known as a “miracle.”[15] Top that, Paul Krugman!

15. Everyone! I have a proposal. Let’s lock Ann Coulter up with a bunch of rapists and murderers in a supermax prison so that they can all sing “Kumbayah” together!

Nichols told Smith she was “an angel sent from God,” calling her “his sister” and himself her “brother in Christ.” Nichols said he had come to Smith’s home for a reason, in Smith’s words, that “he was lost and God led him right to me to tell him that he had hurt a lot of people.”[16].

This trampling of our Constitution — I mean this conversation — lasted long into the night.[17] They watched Nichols’ shooting people on TV. Nichols said he couldn’t believe he was that man. In the morning, Smith made Nichols eggs and pancakes for breakfast. Then she walked out of the apartment to pick up her daughter and to call 911. The last thing Nichols said as Smith was leaving was to say hello to her daughter for him. When the police arrived, Nichols surrendered without incident, an utterly transformed human being.[18]

16. Wow, Smith is a psychic!
17. *groan* Give it up already. No drumroll for you.
18. Yeah, agreed. He transformed from being the predator to the prey and found a great way to save his skin. The cops were “expecting” to kill or have a suicide-by-cop; probably, knowing law enforcement, they were pretty pissed at the loss of their own, and the only chance Nichols had at survival was to come out meek as a lamb.

Heaven help the average liberal if this ever happens to him! What would an urban secularist do? Come sit down and let me read to you from Michael Moore’s “Stupid White Men.” Or maybe he could put a SpongeBob video in the VCR. WE ARE FAM-I-LEEEEE! At least before he killed again, the dangerous fugitive would have warm feelings toward homosexuals.[19]

19. God, you’re an idiot. There IS such a thing as liberal christians who are tolerant toward homosexuals. I realize you’re a worshipper of Jack Chick and probably think that all liberal Christians are all going to H-E-double-hockeysticks, but let it go already. It’s obvious that you failed your research.

It’s also another example of how our universities are failing students. Today’s college coeds would be dead: They know nothing about Jesus Christ and can’t cook a good meal.[20]

20. *QUOTE OF THE DAY* Wow. According to Ann Coulter, it’s a responsibility of universities everywhere to teach students about Jesus Christ and cooking. If her previous comments are any indication, I bet she particularly believes this to be true for women. That’s right, be good little housewives, get married, cook, and pray to Jesus. It’s your calling, baby!!!

Smith saved the soul of a man on a killing spree by talking to him about Christianity.[21] But liberals think this won’t work with the Muslims? We ought to fly this Ashley Smith to Saudi Arabia. We could just make her a box lunch every day and send her on her way.[22]

Liberals would approve of a nice Christian girl like Smith going to the Middle East only if she went as a Marine or — better! — if she were getting herself run over by a tank while defending a PLO tunnel into the Gaza Strip used by suicide bombers. Sadly for liberals, feminist lunacy doesn’t convert and transform, it browbeats and harangues.[23] The only miracle it has ever performed is getting people to listen to Nancy Pelosi.[24]

21. So much for “Jesus Saves.” Apparently the proper quote is: “Ashley Smith saves!”
22. This is so fucking arrogant. You know those three major religions, Ann? At least one of them doesn’t believe in converting the other two. There are actually a lot of religions out there which promote tolerance for other religions – mainstream Christianity, sadly, can’t claim to be one. And in case you’d like to claim that you mean only fundamentalist Muslims should be entertained by Ms. Smith’s spiritual wisdom, let me remind you about the politico-religious nutjobs within Christianity. Maybe she should start cleaning her own house first?
23. Ordinarily I’d agree with you, but in context, you’re implicitly suggesting that non-feminists are all sugar, spice, and WWJD. Not true. (If it turns out she was a feminist, I’ll retract that, but until then my comment stands.)
24. Since I can’t tell if you’re sniping at Ms. Pelosi or not, I’m going to have to let this one go. But since Ms. Pelosi is reportedly a liberal, and taking into account your previous rant, all I can say is shame on you for tearing down a woman who has achieved a great deal.

So to sum up, it seems to me that Ann Coulter should have stopped while she was ahead – at least she looked like she was a reasonable researcher there. In this latest rant, she has revealed herself to be a raving Christian fundamentalist woman-hater straight out of the 1800s.

2 thoughts on “Ann Coulter’s “Purpose-Driven Left” Dissected”

  1. Woah! Wow! Someone needs to put some reins on this chicky.

    What stands out for me is… point #10, making men into better people. Tried that once, ONLY once, won’t do it again. It’s not my problem if some guy is totally messed up. If he can’t help himself, then I can’t. It’s the old adage, “can’t help someone who won’t help himself”. (Yeah, Nate, I love you so much, I want to make you a better man, so no more chocolate! Right…) And yes, I agree, it’s not just women who get knocked down by dangerous criminals. I’m sure the woman knew what she was getting into, so let’s not blame the woman, okay. That incident can happen to the best of us. In addition, I know more than one woman in security and MANY women in martial arts who happen to be able to kick a guy’s ass anyday (literally!). Still don’t believe what a woman can do? Come on, Ann, drop by my do jang anytime. We can go one on one, full contact. Maybe a few headshots will help you understand what a woman can do…

    Moving on… sort of. #20 seems to be related to #10. So, let me get this right. Women are only here to make babies, cook, clean, keep house pretty much. Hm… okay, right. If Nate doesn’t help clean up around here, well, he knows what will happen. There’s a few bokkens (wooden swords) around, a pair of short sticks, nunchakus, some longer sticks easily converted into a staff, and oh yeah, my Ninja hands and feet. Now, this isn’t to say that I can’t cook. Damned good seafood pasta with tomato vodka sauce and all I studied in university was business (no, not the restaurant business). The cooking skills came from my Dad. Yeah, that’s right, Ms. Coulter, I said my DAD. He was a kick-ass cook. Now, seeing as I’ve just proved that a woman can be a good cook and a good martial artist, I don’t suppose, Ms. Coulter, you’d want to come by my home for dinner sometime and make any comments like in your article. You just can’t be sure what I might do with the cleaver…

    What in goddess’ name does Jesus Christ have to do with cooking?! Guess I can call on him to bless my food next time I cook… nah, I have Brighid for that.

    One last comment:
    Ms. Coulter must really hate herself.

    Okay, going to find myself a happy place (like the starfish in Finding Nemo).


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